FIN

Done. Amazing. Cape Town is the place. Going cage diving with great whites tommorow or tuesday. Will do final update after that. Much Love.

Botswana to Namibia, 207 km, angelina joliet, stolen donkey carts, etc.

So we have finished up the elephant highway part of the tour and I am now in Windhoek, Namibia for two rest days. No more elephant sightings, but I have come across a lot of dead snakes, baboons, and different types of gazelles on the road or close by. Also, the area we are currently in is infested with corn crickets, which are similar to regular crickets except they are about 100 times the size of them. Thats the thing with bugs in Africa. Even if they are not weirdly alien looking or dangerous, they're usually the a good four or five inches big and have the uncanny ability to navigate their way into your tent no matter how hard you try to keep them out. Good times. The riding got a little more interesting as we crossed the border into namibia and started riding on through the kalihari desert. love deserts. We had the longest ride of the tour the day we crossed into Namibia, it was 207 km, about 130 miles i think, but it wasnt that bad and I finished up with a few people right before dark.

We did have a little bit of a problem at the border though, as at first it looked like we weren't going to be able to get Windy a visa. Windy is our local Ethiopian guide, but for the first time this year the tour was goign to take him out of Ethiopia and try to get him to Cape Town because he does a damn good job. It is his first time out of Ethiopia. The problem with getting visas for Namibia and South Africa, however, is that both countries have a similar situation to that of the US with central American countries and mexico. Migrants from all the other poorer african countries flock to south africa and namibia illegally, so its thought that anyone from a country like Ethiopia entering these countries and receiving a visa is going to stay there afterwards, illegally. Anyhow, after going back the next day Randy was able to pull some strings and get him through the border and get a south african visa as well.

I got an email the other day with an article about Brad Pitt and Angelina Joliet being in Namibia so that she can give birth here or something insane like that. Africa has numerous amazing qualities about it, safety and efficiency are not what first comes to mind. When I order a sandwich and they get the order right in less than two hours its a miracle, so I dont know what that loopy bitch is thinking coming here to give birth. I'll be on the lookout though to snap some photos and make a few million.

Windhoek, the city in Namibia that I am in right now, is by far my favorite city in Namibia. There seems to be a real solid black middle class here and the city is beautiful with parks and outdoor shopping plazas, museums, art galleries and anything you could want, even KFC. It was colonized by the Germans and they set it up quite nicely. Also, since apartheaid fell, quite a few ambitious south african families have gone as far north as tanzania to set up businesses, stores, interent places, camp sites, hotels, restaurants, etc. Its kind of like a 21st century capitalist colonization effort. On the one hand, its nice to go somewhere with a decent infrastructure, nice restaurants, nice clean cities, etc. but on the other hand, it seems almost as if the adventuruous and cultural aspect of the trip is coming to a close. We shower, use indoor toilets (with seats!), and eat decent food everyday.

We've had a few interesitng nights out the past few days. I've mentioned before how everyone has started to drink a whole lot more because they are close to breaking. Well, the night before we rode into Windhoek we were at a shabeen, which is like a local african bar, across from our campsite in a small town in Namibia. Wimpie, one of our af routes guys, had been drinking brandy for an hour or two and decided at one point to take one of the locals donkey carts for a joyride. So i followed him and hopped in the back, and after a few minutes realized the bag or clothing that me and John were sitting on happened to be a passed out local who was starting to wake up. It was quite awkward but he didnt seemed to mind, but the guy whose donkey cart it was ran out of the bar and was a little pissed. Also, the first night here in Windhoek a bunch of us went to a reggae show at some sort of franco-namibian cultural center. The people here are really fashionable and artistic, so it was a pretty cool scene and aweosme to see some live music for the first time in a while.

So we got two weeks left, five days to a rest day at the border of namibia and south africa, and then week straight of biking to Cape Town. Theres gonna be a banquet and a bunch of parties thrown by the SA's so it should be good times, and I'm trying to do the shark cage diving thing. Also, my uncle, who founded the tour, and my dad have joined us, so that should make things more a little more interesting. and enjoy spring fling to everyone going, pour some andre out for me.

The Elephant highway

The tour has entered Botswana now, our eighth country. The roads here are mostly straight and flat, and because of this the kilometers per day we are supposed to bike has been raised to an average of about 170 km a day. Botswana is also sparsely populated so we don’t pass through many towns. You would think that it would be boring as all hell, and it is sometimes, but the cool thing about Botswana is that we go through a few national parks so there is a high chance of seeing wildlife every day. Most people seem to think that biking through Africa you’ll see tons of animals by the side of the road but that is definitely not the case, and except for baboons and a few rare sightings in Northern Kenya, there hasn’t been much of anything. I remember a magazine article my uncle had written after the first tour in which he mentioned that one of the things he had noticed passing through Africa four years ago was the dramatic shift from 20 years ago to the scarcity of wildlife in the 21st century. Still, during our first night we heard jackals and hyenas off somewhere in the bush. Jaco, one of our rugged South Africans who prides himself on being EFN, (that’s every fucking night in a tent without renting a room), was a huge pussy and slept on the roof of one of the trucks one night because he was scared of hyenas and elephants coming through camp, so it was pretty fun to give him shit because he always bitches at everyone when they rent rooms.

Anyway, I was pretty excited about the chance to see something while on the bike, and also a little nervous. You see, I tend to overestimate the dangers of some not so dangerous things and overestimate the dangers of others. For example, I’m scared shitless of spiders. And midgets. But I knew I would more than likely underestimate the threat posed by getting too close to a giant fucking bull elephant on the road, and they have been known to charge. I pictured myself trying to sneak close to get a good picture, looking down to fuck around with the settings on my camera, only to glance up and see the last thing I would ever see: a big blurry mass of grey about to slam into me. So the first day of riding came, and I was riding with a nervous energy, head on a swivel as I tried to catch a glance of something.

All I saw for the first few hours though were huge piles of elephant dung on the road. Then, riding by myself, just as my ipod died and I was putting it away I caught a quick glance of something on the side of the road and did a double take. I backed up and there, across a small pond, was a huge bull elephant with a broken tusk, drinking and cooling off. I got off the bike and we just stared at each other for a few minutes, sizing each other up, and I was quite relieved that there was a body of water separating us. After a few minutes he carried on with his routine; drinking and spraying himself with his trunk, and a few more riders stopped by for a while and left while I continued to watch him. After the last rider had left, I decided to leave, but as I was slowly peddling away I saw him walking around the perimeter of the pond, getting closer to the road and disappearing suddenly behind some brush, so I biked back to see what he was up to. That’s when he made a break to cross the road. I fumbled with my camera, trying to get a shot similar to the cover of Abbey Rd, except instead of four white guys it would just be one huge elephant. When I looked up with my camera ready, the elephant was standing in the middle of the road, except instead of being perpendicular to me, he was facing me. And that fucker was BIG. Real big. Like 10 times larger than elephants appear from a safari truck or riverboat. And he was about 10-15 yards away at this point. Keep in mind, I had no idea what the fuck to do. We never received any advice on what to do when seeing elephants, except for STAY THE FUCK AWAY. Ideas raced through my head. Play dead? Make a lot of noise? Run? Play a dead guy running and making a lot of noise? I jumped on my bike and tried to get out of there as soon as possible, and looking back I saw that the elephant had actually gotten scared as well and took off running the other direction.

Since then, I’ve had a few more sightings. Saw some elephants the next day as well. I saw a pack of wild African dogs as well, which are an endangered species and supposedly very hard to see. They have beautiful striped coats, white tails, and huge ears. I got pretty close to three of them, making that kissing noise you make to get a dog to come over, but just then four people passed me and scared them off. Apparently that was a good thing; because I found out later that night that Jimmy, one of our riders, had been attacked by a few when he stopped to take a picture, had had to use his bike for a weapon and then ride off quickly. Even later at camp that night, he didn’t find the situation to funny and was pretty shaken up. Another cool animal sighting was when we rode past an area where there were literally hundreds of buzzards flying around, circling something, and a bunch just resting in nearby trees. At first I thought they were circling a kill, but it didn’t seen likely. One of the other riders made a joke about them actually circling us, waiting for us to die because we all looked so skinny and malnourished from the past three months. Shit, even way back in Ethiopia I would be sitting in a restaurant, minding my own business, when a local would randomly come up to me and say, “Hey, uh, you want the other half of this sandwich? I ate a late lunch, I’m not gonna finish it. You can have it, seriously, I’m full. Hey, why do you always go to the bathroom after you eat?”

So we’re starting to wind down the trip, only about 20 days left now, and the strain is getting to us, mentally. People are starting to lose it and starting to crack. I mean, four months of seeing your best friends every day and you would get sick of them, imagine 70 people you don’t know, all different ages, all from different places, and then you gotta factor in the biking and camping as well. Some of the craziness is funny; like when conversations veer off in strange directions and end up making no sense, or you overhear someone telling a group of people, “and you should have seen all the puss come out of that thing!” as he or she shows off a heinous wound. It’s kind of funny to see how the new fish, as the new riders who have joined us are referred to, react to this mix of nutjobs they’ve been thrown into the mix with. Although we never got to go through with the initiation exercises we had planned, there’s still plenty of good natured disrespect sent their way and “You cant say shit, you should have seen it in Sudan”’s. There’s also some negativity though going through the camp as of now, which is interesting to see grown ass people act so petty but also quite entertaining nonetheless. Not to mention people have started drinking more heavily than before, and not just beer or wine but whiskey and gin, pretty much every day and not just on rest days. No longer are cookies or chips the most coveted thing someone stores in their daily luggage, now it’s a bottle of cheap liquor. People are going kind of nuts. The other night, the newly formed entertainment committee organized an energy bar (the tour is sponsored by them, so we eat them…every day…for the last 100 days) taste test and then an idea/skit for what to do with leftover staminade, which is the Gatorade like powder we also get every day. It was a nice idea, but I haven’t cringed that much since the last time I watched an episode of curb your enthusiasm:

Last night, we stayed at the Sedia hotel camping grounds for our rest day and had a great time at night. There was the ubiquitous African coverband playing all your lite favorites from the 80’s and 90’s, double vodkq sprites for three bucks, and a good time was had by all. We even went swimming in the nearby pool when a thunder storm hit at about midnight. One thing that bothered me about the night was the “native dancing group” the hotel hosted. A group of locals in costume did the traditional dances as fat English tourists in safari hats cheered and took pictures. The whole scene felt rather disturbing, as these things are all the same and appear so phony. It feels like a minstrel show, and as a group that’s traveled for three months, camping and experiencing things that most tourists never get to see, I must say that we look down at some of these tourists who think they are seeing the real Africa from these star hotels. It’s an attitude that one can’t help but develop. Still though, we’re not as intrepid and wild as we’d like to believe, and these are definitely the types of things I would do with my parents on vacation.

A few small things. The past week some of the riders had some bad luck. Irmie cane down with malaria, and Catherine, one of my favorite people on the tour, had a bad fall and has to leave the tour because she needs surgery on her elbow, so that sucks. We enter Namibia in a few days where a bunch of us our planning on going sandboarding. We’ve got 20 days left and I’m burning out. Also, intrepid traveler that I am, let me leave you with some important African travel advice: don’t eat sushi in Zambia. Sure, it might look and taste legit, but believe me, it’s not worth it.

zambian seder, victoria falls, dodgy businessmen, etc.

Today is the last day I spend in Zambia and then tommorow we're heading to Botswana. When I last left off we were in Lusaka, and since then we had three days of riding into Victoria Falls. The last night in Lusaka, a new rider that had joined the tour asked me and Sam if we wanted to go to a seder at a Zambian syngagogue. Thinking it would be something similar to a Ugandan or Ethiopian congregation we went, but it was just a bunch of boring ass old white people. It still turned out to be a good time though. There was a ridiculous buffet that me and Sam tore apart. When you're cylcing all the time, your appetite increases threefold, so its always interesting to see the look on peoples faces when we're at a restaurant or place with a buffet. Its a mix of shock and horror. The congregation was mostly south africans and some shady israeli businessmen (is there any other kind?) who were working on the railroad in Zambia.

The three days of riding were repetitive and a little boring. We've been averaging about 160-170 km a day now because the roads are mostly flat. There was one night where we were at a bush camping next to a small village, and that night a few of us went over and listened to some drumming and singing.

We got to vic falls a few days ago, and vic falls is amazing. Its the adrenaline capital of Africa, with bungee jumping, old school crop duster flights, gorge swings, white water rafting, all types of ill shit. I was originally planning on doing the bungee jump, which is the second biggest one in the world, but thats not going to fucking happen any time soon. Instead I went white water rafting, and the rapids on the zambezi are supposed to be some of the best in the world. Unfortunately, during the rainy season the rapids are real small and a lot of the river is closed off, but it was still pretty ridiculous and we had a person go overboard. There was some amazing cliff jumping as well.

I went to the actual falls today, which is the second biggest or third biggest in the world, and I was expecting it to be nice but that big a deal but it was truly amazing. First off, the things gotta be like a kilometer wide at least, and the water is so poweful that when you walk on the trails to see its like you're walking through a hurrice with strong winds and sheets of water raining up at you. You can only imagine Livingston stumbling onto this while exploring way back having no idea about it.

Both nights here have been a good time. The first night some of the local girls working the bar at our camp site took us out to some outdoor bar with a live band, which was pretty much the worse cover band of all time. Nothing like a bunch of Zambians doing their own version of UB40 songs. The DJ would play a song like karma chamelon during a break and then the group would come back on and play the same song over the horrible sounds system. Still, everyone get hammered and had a good time, and a few people never even made it out from the bar at the campsite. The next night we sat around the campsite bar and met some swedish girls, played pool and listend to Paul berate them and talk shit to one (who happened to be a model) about her husbands, who had been at the bar earlier that night. He's one of those guys who has absolutely no conscience and gets drunk and bitter and the exaggerated irish accent comes out. Its hilarious because generally people have no idea how to respond. I also met some dodgy old english guy at the bar who used to be in the SAS and has lived in Zambia for 10 years, had married the air force commanders daughter, and was involved in all types of developments and businesses in Zambia. He was telling stories about drug smugglers in Lusaka, corrupt government officials, and figuring out who to bribe to get your business going strong. He also kept reiterating that a lot of people have misconceptions about Africa and the possibility of doing business here, and that if you put 15,000-20,000 US dollars in the right investment you can make a million in a year. He also was quite adamant about not exploiting the people or the land here for his purposes, and he seemed like a really good guy....until later that night when Windy told me he was showing people some bestiality video with a horse he had downloaded on his cell phone. Interesting people, these expats.

We leave for Bostwana tommorow. Its supposed to be one of the richer countries in Africa so it should be interesting to see. I'll hit back in about a week.

I am better than Lance Armstrong

This past Saturday in Zambia, I rode 195 Kilometers with an overall climb of 1000 meters, the longest day on the tour so far and the second longest day of the tour overall (There’s a 207 KM day in Botswana). It took about 9 hours and a whole lot of drugs but I persevered, even after getting stung by a bee about 40 kms out of camp. As a wise man once said, fuck bees. I’ll punch a bee in its face. I don’t know to convert that to miles, but I’m sure its somewhere in the thousands. To give you a better idea of how far it is, take where you’re sitting right now and imagine somewhere 195 kilometers away. That’s a long fucking distance. Anyway, I don’t really know how far Lance Armstrong rides everyday or how fast or any of that crap, but I have come to the conclusion that I am now officially better than Lance Armstrong. One need only check the facts.

Fact: Lance Armstrong rides on super space aged bicycles and has all the latest equipment. I ride in a pair of shorts that havent been washed in 2 weeks and a bike that I've been responsible for over the past three months, hence it is basically scrap metal.

Fact: Lance Armstrong has a team of riders that set a pace for him and communicate and talk to him as he rides. I have this conversation 50 times a day.
Local: How are you?
Me: I'm tired, how are you?
Local: How are you?
Me: (louder) I'm tired, you?
Local: How are you?
Me: Please make it stop.
Local: Where are you go?
Me: I'm going to Cape Town.
Local: Where are you go?
Me: Cape Town.
Local: Where are you go?
Me: I GO TO FRIGGIN CAPE TOWN

Fact: Lance Armstrong wakes up and the first thing he sees every morning is Cheryl Crow. I wake up and the first thing I see in the morning are these guys:



IN SPANDEX

Fact: Lance Armstrong stays in fancy hotels. I am sleep in a tent that now smells like the basement of 45 sawyer.


Fact: Lance Armstrong is from Texas. I am not. Its pretty obvious what your conclusion should be.



Nothing pseudointellectual or of any substance to add today, not even a rant, so enjoy the pictures


Campsite in Zambia. Across the river is Mozambique and down a ways is Zimbabwe






the things you see attached to bikes. these chickens were alive. I've also seen a pig and a goat attached to the back of some dudes bike




Malawian kids in tree at a campsite





WOMAN OF NEW YORK: PREPARE YOURSELVES FOR MY ARRIVAL



I was biking through Zambia on that 195 km when in the middle of nowhere, literally on the side of the road, I come across this dude selling his sex powder. Of course I had to talk to him, as I was searching for African wisdom and old grizzled black men, whether in Africa or the United States, our the most resourceful purveyors of wisdom. So I asked this dude, whats the one thing I should always remember, and he looked me dead in the eye and paused for a moment. Then he cleared his throat and said, "No matter who you are, no matter how hard you try, you cannot turn a ho into a housewife." Truer words were never spoken. Then he asked me if I wanted to buy some sex powder, but I told him that if I ever needed that stuff I could get it back in the states from my friend Gabe Rincon who has a huge supply, except he refers to it in the more generic term as "ground up roofies."



Camping in soccer field




Carving up sugar cane




Visiting a school in malawi




Fishing village on Lake Malawi





Chitimba Beach




Kids on the side of the road in Malawi




Coke stop in Tanzania




Truck stuck in the mud somewhere in Tanzania.




Me messing with some Tanzanian kids